Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Oh god it's open bar.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
