shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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