On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
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Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
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I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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