I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
