I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Someone shit on the floor
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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