the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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