You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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