OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
false alarm, still single
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
