In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
