He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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