What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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