If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
