Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
ugly people sure do ruin things
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
