You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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