I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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