Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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