Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize