Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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