On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
