And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
