K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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