theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
