I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
