she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
