when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We don't watch enough power rangers
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
