I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
