it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
