The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
