if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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