I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
