"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But break dance skills will only take you so far
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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