Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
