she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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