i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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