3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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