I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Never joke about your clitoris.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
