Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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