Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
