im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
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i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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