It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
