So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
