apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My pussy is not your playground.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize