cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
