i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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