we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
