im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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