i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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