dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
