i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
