Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
