he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Randomize
