remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i already hear my dad disowning me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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