I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
